The Marauders and the Gender Swapping Plight of Hogwarts
by Artemed
Summary: "Why do you all think it was me?" Sirius whined, pouting some more. All three cringed. Sirius...well apparently oozed just as much sex appeal as a woman as he did as a man. Rated M for the audacity of swapping everyone at Hogwarts genders and the hilarity that ensues. Nanowrimo Project. Crack/Non Pairing/Marauders Gen
1. Why do you think it was me?

**Disclaimer**: do not own Harry Potter, or any of the marauders and make no money from this harmless bit of writing...more's the pity...

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Prologue

There is a little known quirk of Hogwarts castle.

The illustrious founders themselves had no hand in it. The castle was her own entity, and very much maternal in many ways. She took on a life of her own at times, and strange things happened within her halls. From a lonely child finding their way mysteriously to the kitchens for a cup of hot chocolate, to the discovery of new rooms and objects. The children that roamed her halls were her own, even when they left her halls.

But like many women, she was temperamental, and she got bored. She had been around for quite a long time you know, and even castles filled with mischievous rule breaking children were bound to get tired of the monotony of life. Especially during the summer, but that is another story.

Few actually knew what the castle was capable of. There was so much magic there. And therein lay the problem. For mixing boredom and mass amounts of magic do not always end well. And don't doubt that there was plenty of magic, for young witches and wizards tend to throw plenty of it about, failed spells are not due to lack of magic, and that magic has to go _somewhere_...

Hogwarts definitely was quite bored now, and in possession of quite a bit of magic. There had been some powerful witches and wizards through in the past several years. Now she only needed an excuse to use it. So she stretched he awareness out, brushing gently and with fondness against the Headmaster, and around the various halls. The ghosts felt themselves grow warmer for just a moment, and even Moaning Myrtle stopped her moping at the mysterious touch.

She soon found her awareness drawn to a great amount of upset pouring out of a young woman, and irritation from a young man. A special young man she had a particular fondness of. Hogwarts was sometimes biased and she definitely liked him and the fellows he tended to spend most of his time with. The girl however was unfamiliar, and she grew interested in what was happening. It took a great deal of magic to raise herself to a higher consciousness, but with an effort she managed, and with no small amount of smugness, she was able to "hear" everything in the castle. Drawing herself back to the two who had drawn her attention, she focussed until their words could be heard.

"Fuck you Sirius!"

"I'd rather not-"

"This isn't about you, you stupid prat! Or about me! It's about how you've treated every single girl you've ever gone with!"

"And what exactly does that have to do with-"

"You know what? For once in your life I wish that you would know what it was like! To be a woman and to be treated like you do practically every girl at Hogwarts!"

With those harsh words the girl left, leaving Sirius Black alone, and quite irritated.

He wasn't the only one however. It didn't take Hogwarts much more magic to realize he had jilted another one of her girls. Just one in a long line of many, but, the castle thought to herself, the girl had a point. She started to grasp the magic left to her, this would certainly be amusing after all, and it was a lesson many could do with, and carefully cast her spell.

At that moment everyone at Hogwarts felt a chill go down their spine, though they wouldn't discover why for several hours yet.

The castle used up most of the store of magic left, but she was about to be quite entertained for a while to come.

* * *

Remus Lupin woke early, far earlier than any of his friends did. He liked mornings, they were quiet. As much as he cared about his friends, they were a rowdy bunch, and a little down time was much appreciated from their antics. He yawned, and stretched, and then got out of bed and padded quietly across the dorm, retrieving his bath things and heading for the bathroom.

Once there he sleepily flicked the water on, extra hot, and then started to undo the buttons on his pyjama top. The steam drifting through the bathroom woke him a little more. It was when he'd gotten halfway through that he paused and wrinkled his nose. Something soft was brushing gently against his hands, and some kind of weight lay heavily on his chest.

Suspicious, as it was not unknown for the Marauders to prank each other, he undid the last few buttons and yanked the shirt open. Then he blinked, and dropped one side of the shirt to poke himself. They were soft, and round, and squishy, and under any other circumstances he'd be over the moon to be touching them...but there was no denying he was now the surprised owner of a lovely pair of breasts.

He huffed, and then reached for his wand, casting a 'Finite', only nothing happened. It was a kind of joke for Sirius to refer to him as the girl of the group, but this was really taking it too far. He shook his head and then flinched as something damp and heavy hit his neck. Incredulously he reached for his head only to find a sandy lock of hair plastered with steam against his skin.

Now thoroughly panicking, he grasped the waistband of his pants and took a peak. He gaped at what he saw and now anger began to fog his mind. It was one thing to give a bloke a pair of breasts as a joke, and quite another to mess with his...well...it was wrong! Letting the band snap back in to place he growled under his breath and started marching for the door, then stopped and angrily buttoned his top up again. No need to give a free show to the pervert.

"SIRIUS WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?!" He shouted, freaking out even more because his voice came out much too high and sweet sounding to his ears, and he used his wand to flick the bed curtains back and yank Sirius in to the air by the ankle, ignoring his yelps and protestations of ignorance.

"Oi Moony, it's kinda early...What the bloody hell..." A feminine voice came from James' bed and a tousled long black haired woman's face peeked out from the curtains and ogled Sirius dangling in midair. Which cleared a little of the red haze that had grown over Remus' vision and he really _looked_ at Sirius, and he let his arm drop, causing Sirius to tumble through the air and land in an undignified heap.

It was well known that Sirius liked to sleep in his pyjama pants, he'd sleep starkers if the rest of them hadn't protested vehemently against it. But in this case, it seemed Sirius wasn't the one at fault, and neither apparently was James. And it must be said Sirius had the largest set of knockers he'd yet to see on a bird. Even Rosmerta's didn't compare.

At that point neither James nor Remus could gather much intelligence to speak as Peter finally made an appearance, as a rather cute chubby girl with a cherubic face. He too was struck speechless at the sight of his friends and hardly took time to notice his own changed appearance.

Then Sirius managed to right himself and get a look at Remus and and the rest, and burst out laughing.

"So this IS your fault!" Remus said angrily, brandishing his wand again, but grew speechless when Sirius got to his feet and began testing the weight of his...endowments, poking them and tossing his rather long luxurious hair over his shoulder. "Brilliant!" He exclaimed, his voice throaty and horrifyingly sexy sounding to Remus. The Marauder's looked on with mixed expressions of fascination and horror as Sirius then gave an experimental bounce, and then grimaced, reaching up to rub the offending body parts. "Ouch that hurt."

James let out a sort of strangled noise and Peter just grew more wide eyed. Remus finally managed to snap back to reality and hastily summoned a pillow and directed it at Sirius' chest. "STOP feeling yourself up!" Sirius pouted, but caught the pillow, holding it so as to hide his chest. "Why, like it Moony?" Sirius smiled coquettishly and stuck out his hip, only demonstrating how curvy his new body was.

Remus gave a strangled groan of his own and then marched across the room and flung Sirius' trunk open, ignoring his friend's protests, he yanked a shirt out and then grabbed Sirius and yanked the article of clothing over his head, trying to ignore the furious blush that he could feel rising on his face. He also gave Sirius a cuff upside the head for good measure.

"Oi, don't have to be so rough-Ouch! Moony!" Sirius pouted, rubbing his head, causing his hair to become tangled.

"If this is some idea of a joke Sirius, I swear-" James finally had gotten out of bed, glancing down at his own new busty presence, and stood clenching his fists.

"Why do you all think it was me?" Sirius whined, pouting some more. All three cringed. Sirius...well apparently oozed just as much sex appeal as a woman as he did as a man. Peter had gotten to his own feet now and gave his own chest an experimental poke.

"Stop that!" Remus admonished, causing Peter to drop his hand and look uncomfortable.

"C'mon Moony, don't act like it wasn't the first thing that crossed your mind." Sirius said, crossing his arms across his chest and then frowning when it was more difficult to do than he'd first thought.

"That's not the point!" Remus snapped, "The point is we've mysteriously become women overnight, and apparently none of us are to blame!" He gesticulated wildly in the air and punctuated his words with stabs of his wand.

"Well have you tried removing it?" asked Sirius, now reaching for his own wand and casting the finite spell. Nothing happened and he tried a few other spells, still to no effect. Then James muttered something and cast a diagnostic spell he had picked off of Pomfrey on one of his many visits to the Hospital Wing.

He squinted at the readings and then ruffled his hair, grimacing when his long locks got in the way. "Well, according to this, there isn't nothing wrong with us, it's like were always were female..."

"How is that even possible?" Remus asked, crossing to examine James' evidence. Peter whimpered in the background and fidgeted, wringing his pyjamas in his hands.

At that moment a horrified yell echoed up from the common room and the Marauders wasted no time in dashing to the door. Outside was chaos, all the boys in Gryffindor Tower piled out of their rooms, all as women, and over the ledge they could see that the girl's hadn't been left unaffected either.

"POTTER! BLACK!" An angry voiced promising death and ruin reached their ears and both boys in question flinched. An auburn haired man was marching steadily up the stairs, pushing hapless Gryffindors out of his way, brandishing a wand and followed by several other uncomfortable looking boys, some in nighties and others in bathrobes.

"Evans?" Sirius blinked, "Is that you?" He nudged James in the side, whose mouth had fallen open and was gaping at his future wife with pain in his eyes. Her eyes were still the same flashing green, and the stance of her feet planted apart and hands on her hips just screamed "Lily".

"Of course it bloody well is you prat! I swear you've gone too far this time, now turn everyone back or so help me, I'll-!" She stopped her tirade abruptly as she finally stood before them, and realized that the resident pranksters and trouble makers extraordinaire were not their usual selves.

"Why does everyone automatically think it was me?" Sirius grumbled again and gestured to himself. "It definitely wasn't!" Remus elbowed him in the side and Peter sniffled, the trauma of the moment really getting to him. James tried once again to ruffle his hair and failed horribly, only making more of a mess of it than it already was.

Lily seemed to have regained her momentum as she glared daggers in Sirius' direction, "How do we know you didn't just let yourselves be changed as well? You could just be trying to deflect suspicion from yourselves!" she accused, and the crowd around them seemed to grow closer and voices started to rise in anger. People were starting to put together what happened and label it as a prank, and they weren't happy about it.

"It really wasn't us Lily!" James exclaimed, stepping forward, "We only just woke up like this, we have no idea how this happened, I swear!" Lily's green eyes snapped to James and she sneered, "Sure, and Binns isn't a ghost! What do you take me for? For all I know you perverts did this for some creepy, sick experiment!" She stabbed her wand in their direction, sparks flying out of the tip, causing some to hit Peter, who was closest.

Peter's yelp of pain was drowned out however as the Marauder's all exclaimed angrily and protested against be called perverts, wands were being aimed now and people were stepping back, or pressing forward, ready to join the fray or escape when a loud voice stridently interrupted the argument.

"That is ENOUGH!"

An older man wear a tartan bathrobe was storming up the stairs, his own wand out and with a flick separated the would-be combatants. The students all gaped, and even Lily stopped glaring at James and Sirius long enough to stutter, "P-prof-professor?!"

For indeed it was Professor McGonagall, with her Scottish accent and all.

"For Merlin's sake! There is no way these four, as talented for mischief as they are, could have pulled this off! Now, Miss Evans, and the rest of you, kindly make yourselves presentable and assemble in the Great Hall as soon as you can." She said, tightening the robe around herself, a hand smoothing her now rather short hair in an unconscious habit. "This hasn't happened all over has it?" A plaintive voice raised in question. Stiffly McGonagall nodded, "It has indeed happened to everyone in the castle that we can tell. Even the house elves weren't excluded...Now all of you, make yourselves presentable and do as I say! The Headmaster has asked that we all assemble for an announcement."

With that the crowd started to disperse and the girl's walked back to their dormitories, and the boys vanished back in to their rooms and up the stairs. McGonagall left, muttering distractedly under her breath and taking a moment to inform the prefects and James and Lily as Head Boy and Girl to organize everyone and take care of any mishaps.

After she left through the portrait Lily immediately turned on Sirius again, who was waiting for James, "I don't know how, but I _know_ somehow you are to blame for this Black! Mark my words, you're going to bloody well pay for it!" she shot at him, before leaving.

"Is she serious?! I didn't have anything to do with this, I swear." Sirius said, kicking a poufy chair violently as they passed it. Then spotting the expression on James' face, "Don't even think about it!" He stormed off, and James snickered, watching his best mate flounce off in a huff was so much more amusing now that his body matched his temperament.

"But you're-" James called after his best mate.

"Don't say it!"

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**A/N:** So yeah this is my nanowrimo project for this month. It's silly and crackish. I swear I don't even know where this came from, it just hit me out of the blue. At any rate, I hope you like it, let me know what you think!

Question: What do you think Dumbledore should look like as a woman? Personally there are some aspects of his appearance I can't seem him without, even if he did swap genders...

~And now 'til we meet again  
Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen  
Good Night!


	2. It's a Trap!

**Disclaimer**: do not own Harry Potter, or any of the marauders and make no money from this harmless bit of writing...more's the pity...

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Back in their dorms the students of Gryffindor were encountering an unusual problem. Namely, they had no idea what to wear.

"Lily, should...well, we can't wear our uniforms, right?" Alice's face was pinched with worry, and she wrung her hands. Lily frowned down at her skirt and then sighed, only a few of the girls actually had slacks, and they were having trouble with those as well, their hips were narrower in general than their clothes were made for and so kept falling down, and the Hogwarts skirt only made them seem ridiculous...

"Well, we're still girls, no matter what are bodies are." she said firmly, "But I see your point. I think we'd better do some alterations..." Just then another girl yelped in the room and caused everyone to glance at her.

"We'll need to modify our knickers too." Another said wryly as it became apparent what the problem was.

But the girls of Gyffindor still had it a bit easier than the boys...

"Nothing bloody fits!" James snarled, trying to pull on his pants and finding his hips were too wide, he stumbled and fell down with a curse. Remus sighed and helped him fix the pants with a quick charm. James muttered a quick "thanks" and sulkily started to reach for his shirt when he stopped and looked down at his next problem.

"Hey, what're going to do for bras? I mean, I like 'em as much as the next guy, but these're kind getting in the way..." he poked his breasts and then winced, "And they damn well hurt! Nobody ever mentioned that before..."

"You have a point," Remus said, glancing down at his own set and frowning. They were heavier than he'd ever thought a body part could be.

Sirius snickered at the pair of them and then sauntered up to James and lay his hands on him and squeezed, and tested the weight of them in his hands.

"S-Sirius!" James sputtered, going pink in the face, Peter gasped, and Remus smacked Sirius upside the head again.

"Ouch Moony! Why do you have to be so violent? I swear I had a purpose!" Sirius snapped, and then flicked his wand and conjured a plain white brassiere. James blinked as he handed it to him, "Here mate, this should fit."

"When did you become an expert on bras, Sirius?" Peter asked, not recognizing the looks of pity on the others faces.

"Never mind Wormtail." Sirius said, approaching Remus and bending in close to examine his breasts, then conjured another bra, this time blue. "Might not be perfect, can't know if I can't test 'em." he smirked.

"How do you get it on?" James asked, cluelessly looking over the bit of fabric in his hands, Sirius shrugged, "Beats me," and then went to go help Peter.

It took a few minutes, several arguments, and Sirius' involvement again to figure out how to put on a bra. Strangely enough, Peter came up with the best way, which was to not undo the hooks and just pull it one like a shirt.

A few more charms and then Remus left muttering about helping the other years get themselves sorted, dragging Sirius after him.

Lily did a quick head count of the students gathered in the common room, and then moved around them and helped sort out the few who hadn't been able to modify their clothes well enough. They were at least presentable, though nobody looked happy.

Then they filed out of the portrait hole and got another surprise. The Fat Lady...well, still wore a pink dress at any rate.

"Don't gawp so dears. It's most unbecoming!" The portrait chided, and smoothed the skirt of her voluminous dress over her now portly male body. The bodice sagged miserably in the front and she scowled at it, fidgeting with her hands to try and hide the fact that her appearance had changed so much.

It soon became apparent that not even the portraits and statuary of Hogwarts had escaped, anything that had once been recognizably male or female was now the opposite. It was an interesting walk through the halls and down the staircase where they met up with the Hufflepuffs and the Ravenclaws who were also on their way to the Great Hall.

Once there everyone seated themselves at their usual place, curiously glancing around to see what everyone now looked like. The Headmaster was conspicuously absent and the rest of the staff looked ready to commit murder on anyone who dared look at them funny.

In an interesting twist, the Hogwarts ghosts had not changed genders overnight, as had seemingly everyone else in the castle. There were even whispers about Filch's cat. Instead they seemed to be torn between being amused and totally ignoring that anything had happened. Sir. Nick was in the latter category and insisted on chatting gaily with Lily and referring to her as "Miss Evans", placing more emphasis on student's titles than he usually did.

A sudden hush descended on the students seated at their House tables when a familiar robed and bearded figure approached the High Table and cleared their throat. Whispers did not die down though as the students started a debate over Dumbledore's appearance. It took a sharp reprimand from Professor McGonagall and the threat to take away house points before everyone settled down

"Ah yes, I can assure you that I am as afflicted as everyone else," Dumbldore said, an amused twinkle in his blue eyes as he started to address the school, "I for one am happy to have gotten to keep my beard. It's so dreadfully cold without it you know-" McGonagall cleared her throat and shot a pointed look at Dumbledore while giggles and outright laughter rose from the student body.

"Well, I feel that even though it is obvious, it should be stated that everyone in Hogwarts castle has, er, swapped genders as it were. We are currently investigating the circumstances, but I can assure you that we are doing everything in our power to come up with ways to make everyone feel more comfortable in their present situation," the familiar, if slightly more feminine voice rang out. Seemingly as grandfatherly as usual. There was a lot to be said for a beard and baggy shapeless robes. If not for the slight change in voice, nobody would have suspected a thing.

"I don't get it," Peter whined, earning a snicker from James and Sirius. Remus sighed and explained, "Older women sometimes sprout facial hair Peter, it's not terribly common for them to grow it out in to a beard, but well...I guess if Dumbledore had been born female..." he coughed and fidgeted in his seat, "Well he isn't _Dumbledore_ without the beard." he finished quickly, earning nods from those surrounding him before turning their attention back to the Headmaster.

"-as such, feel free to wear whatever makes you feel most comfortable, under these unusual circumstances it seems silly to insist upon uniforms so until further notice students may dress casually. Now please do enjoy your breakfasts."

A wave of his hand and the food appeared as normal on the tables, though many seemed not to want to reach for anything. Many were whispering and still trying to figure out what exactly had happened. Remus had a sinking feeling when those in other houses shot glares in the Marauder's direction. For once, their reputation seemed to be getting the better of them. Peter, however grabbed the nearest things and started munching away, as did Sirius, mumbling a, "What? I'm hungry." When Remus gave him a look.

"You do realize we're just about the more suspected and disliked people at Hogwarts right now?" He pointed out, Sirius shrugged, "Bugger them. If they think we did it, they can sod off. I won't let it put me off my food." with that statement he reached for another muffin and slathered it with butter.

"Is that Snape?" James suddenly asked, pointing across at the Slytherin table at a scowling young woman with long black hair and delicate features, "He's almost-"

"DON'T!" Sirius exclaimed, clamping a hand over James' mouth, an expression of horror on his face as he glanced across the way. Snape sneered at them and went back to his toast. James shoved him off and made sputtering noises, wiping his mouth.

"Ew Padfoot, you got butter all over me!" he said in disgust, furiously trying to get it off. Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead, already feeling a headache coming on.

"Hey, we can't get outside! The door won't let us through!" A voice cut through the crowd, causing people to look at the entrance where a girl in Hufflepuff robes was wringing her hands and looking up at the High table.

The professors didn't react fast enough to stop the wave of students from rushing form the hall, breakfasts abandoned.

It was soon discovered that nobody in Hogwarts could leave the castle. The courtyards were perfectly accessible, as was the Astronomy tower and several balconies, but any attempt made to leave Hogwarts caused the would be escapee to be forcibly propelled back in to the school.

Professor Dumbledore tried to leave the castle only to find himself landing on his rump, though nobody laughed as the situation became clear. The floo was also stopped, as was any means of leaving the castle. Only the owls could come and go, though they could only do so in the great hall, any other window repelled them from both outside and in. (A few daredevils over the next few weeks took this chance to fling themselves out of windows only to safely be deposited back inside, much to the horror of those who witnessed the first attempts)

This of course caused more panic and only a few well placed bangs from McGonagall's wand placed any semblance of calm over the student body.

"Enough! Back to your dormitories for now! We will let you know when you can leave, but for now we need to inspect the castle and see what other surprises are in store." The Headmaster announced after being helped up from the floor.

The students went rather quiet at that and then did as they were told.

Well, all except two that is.

"Prongs, you're stepping on my foot again." Sirius whispered, causing James to shift and huff. The cloak wasn't as good as it used to be for covering them. They'd both grown quite a bit since they were kids. And unexpectedly, a new complication caused more annoyance to the pair as they creeped after professors and eavesdropped on their conversations. Their newly found long hair clung with static to their faces, most especially getting in their eyes and mouths, causing the dangerous urge to sneeze.

They'd been tailing Professor Sinistra for ages now, knowing Dumbledore would have caught them already and seeing as McGonagall was with him...but so far they hadn't turned up anything more than the fact that it wasn't possible to leave the castle by any means, and that the professors' charms and spells seemed to have no effect on whatever enchantment the school was under.

"I think we better toss it Pads." James whispered as they fell back a little more and let the professor round the corner up ahead, "It's obvious that they haven't found anything, and I don't know about you, but this isn't exactly my idea of an afternoon well spent."

Sirius sighed and resisted the urge to hex something. At least nobody was pointing fingers at him...yet. As most of his fellow classmates seemed wont to do. Bastards.

He agreed with James and the two slowly made their way back to the common room, ducking in to alcoves to check the map and make sure they wouldn't run in to anyone unexpectedly.

They made it back to see that the common room was mostly deserted, only Remus was waiting for them, reading a book with his hair tucked behind his ears.

"Is this really a time to study?" Sirius groused as he plopped next to his friend, Remus shrugged, though laid the book aside.

"Find anything?"

"Nah." James said, wiping the map and tucking the cloak away. "The professors don't have any more clue than we do."

"What do you suppose could have done this?" Remus mused softly, looking down at his hands.

"I don't know Moony," Sirius sighed, shoving his own annoyingly long hair out of his face, "But they are going to pay for this."

* * *

**A/N:** So haha I don't know about you, but to me Dumbledore just wouldn't be the same without his beard ;) Thanks for everyone who reviewed so far and thanks for checking out the fic and reading it! :D I try to reply to all reviews, as they mean so much to me ^^ My goal is to keep this story rather short. Ending somewhere between ten and fifteen chapters, with updates being every few days. It IS a nanowrimo, so I gotta keep moving!

~And now 'til we meet again  
Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen  
Good Night!


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